I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just tell him i said nine months
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
