You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
