I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
