You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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