If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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