mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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