Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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