My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
