he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
