Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
