What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
