THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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