I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
