I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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