i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
