Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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