He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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