My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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