Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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