So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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