i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
