I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
