She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
