i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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