I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
