I need to stop coming to work sober
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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