My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
