I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
