I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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