Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
