my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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