Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
