So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
