hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
