Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
