I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
