Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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