dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
