Define "chronic" masturbator.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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