haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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