the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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