6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The best revenge is premature balding
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
