It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
