hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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