I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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