yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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