I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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