Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
