I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
