I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
