get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
